Belief Intertwined.

I am here at one in the morning because another night has snuck up on me and din't tell my brain it's time to shut down. I'm awake and literally dancing when I try to lie down, much to the annoyance of my tired partner. I have been trying to do some soul searching lately and was reminded why I usually avoid it. There are so many contributing and intertwined components to me that sometimes when I try to decipher some part I tend to give up and let sleeping spirits lie.

The question of identity in a very broad aspect has been plaguing me recently. To give you a glimpse I will tell you a bit of my "self" as I am basically aware of it. I am of mixed race coming from Spanish and Negro ancestry, I know close to nothing of this ancestry. There was ledgend of a powerful, tall, beautiful, respected and duly feared woman that was my grandmother on my father's side. I never met her as she died years well before I was born but her spirit has followed me from birth. She saw it fit to print her image onto my face so that the name 'Lil Dinah" has followed me since I could remember. This woman was the mother of her Baptiste church and managed to raise a very devout daughter in the same faith.

My aunt, now the mother of her baptiste church, saw her mother and perhaps her potential in me and decided that I may have that same potential. I liked going to church with her. Being forced to go to the Anglican church as a child, the closest one to my house in the village, it was a welcomed change from the old people singing horribly in first soprano. The service, though long, was friendly, loud, energized. I loved it.

Meanwhile my mother a "quiet" Catholic would burn her prayer candles. She would tell me of her "angels" what I now call spirit voices, helping her out in life. Her father a Devout Orisha Baba would try his best in every trickery possible to get me to Orisha functions. As a child he would ask me to read to him from the books. I learnt of the power of the numbers and he told me the stories of the Orishas and how I was special and he could see the power in my eyes. He knew that my spirit was already quite old but could still use guidance. He would refer to what he called my "sly intelligence" as a private joke between us.

Reading on my own I realized that I had grown with a disbelief in "God" as specified by most religions. Yes I believe in a greater power but I found it difficult to commit to a boastfully jealous and vengeful God, that would smite more than 50% of the population he himself created because of a lack of blind followship. I started to refer to my own beliefs as "the universe" which by my definition covers all that man creates Gods to define or explain. It works for me.

I believe that we are guided by spirits as well. Be they dead "angels", wandering spirits, animal spirits or otherwise. We all have encounters that confirm to us in little ways that maybe there is life beyond this one, or a link between the world we see and the one we cannot. I see them. I hear them. I listen to them. I always have. I have my animal spirit guides I know what they are and how they work for me.

Writing about any of this is a way that would make sense to a world either one way or the next tends to be difficult. Part of the Caribbean aesthetic is how freely we can mix the "conventional religions" with the practices we just grow up with. Many of us will still bite our finger after pointing at a grave to make sure it doesn't rot. Molding all of this smoothly into a character I find difficult. It is usually where the self search begins, after all If I explain myself to me I can then describe my character to you. Imagine the character that comes from church then sits on the porch speaking to her dead grandmother casually as she does every other day, out loud, being answered. The Christian character that leaves the bible at the door step to ward off enemies.

The system of beliefs is deeply intertwined but I remain grateful for the exposure to all of it and the calmness that comes with acceptance of that is just how things are. What is to is must is, after all.